We live in really challenging Times

As individuals and communities, we have had to stretch, flex, bend and in some cases break in order to adapt and cope. The pandemic has brought to the fore issues that always existed but were far less visible. Many of us have struggled with the demands the current environment has placed on us (lockdowns, home schooling, restrictions, relationship or financial stress) and the need for mental health support has skyrocketed.

The different demands and struggles create stress in our physiological system and depending on our ‘go to’ stress response, we either internalise this stress as self-criticism (fight response), isolation (flight response), rumination (freeze) or externalise it through anxiety responses and behaviours.

Why do we need Self Compassion in our lives?

One thing I have noticed in my work supporting individuals and families with their mental and emotional health, is that one of the consistent factors in the development, severity and prolonging of difficulty and suffering is an absence of self compassion. We can be really hard on ourselves and often expect unrealistic and unreasonable demands of ourselves. Some of the most common mental health experiences, such as anxiety and low mood or depression, are maintained and reinforced by this ‘perfectionistic, harsh critic’ internal tape or story. The voice that tells us we are hopeless, not good enough, not loveable or worthy and deserving.  

Many clients I have worked with struggled with some of the more conventional approaches to treatment and getting them to stick, because they didn’t know how to get around this internal critical story and what ‘being kind to myself’ actually looks like! I have heard many times that people feel like they are ‘letting themselves off the hook’, being self indulgent or weak when they show themselves compassionate support – or feel very self conscious and awkward being kind to themselves. Luckily, there are over one thousand research studies that demonstrate the mental and physical health benefits of self-compassion, you can see an abbreviated list here.

So what is Self-Compassion?

How does Self Compassion look in our day to day lives? Self-Compassion can help us learn new ways of being and sustain positive life change as it is a far more effective motivation than beating ourselves up or being harsh with ourselves. The key ideas that form the practice of self-compassion are:

·         Kindness (showing ourselves and others kindness)

·         Mindfulness (being aware of our experiences in each moment)

·         Common Humanity (acknowledging that suffering is a universal human experience) 

These three ideas form the basis of how to think in a self-compassionate way and how to respond to our lives more compassionately. If we think about those internalised stress responses of self-criticism, isolation and rumination, we can compare those to the three key principles as alternatives to how we respond to ourselves when we are suffering. We meet self-criticism with self-kindness, isolation with common Humanity and rumination or worry with mindfulness.

How does this look in real life?

Here are four of my favourite strategies for practising more self-compassion that you can implement straight away:

1.       Ask yourself the quintessential Self Compassion question: The next time you notice yourself having a hard time, think ‘What do I need right now?’. Meeting your own needs, giving yourself what you most crave in a moment of suffering or difficulty is the ultimate act of self-compassion. If you are having difficulty identifying your needs, there are some great resources like the Non Violent Communication Needs List which can help you narrow it down.

2.       Be your own best friend: Sounds easy, but this actually takes commitment to practice in day-to-day life! For example, say your best friend calls you and is sharing a difficulty she had when she lost her temper with her kids in front of her partner’s family. She is giving herself a hard time for losing control and feels judged by her relatives. Do you respond with judgement, criticism and contempt ‘You are right, you are a terrible mother who can’t even control her emotions!’ or do you respond with kindness, empathy and support ‘You’re feeling disappointed by how you handled that. It was a lot of pressure at your in-laws and you haven’t had much down time. It’s ok - great mums make mistakes all the time. What do you need right now?’. Now, which one most reflects how you would likely speak to yourself in the same situation?  We would NEVER say the first response (I hope) to our best friend in this situation yet very often we speak like this to ourselves. The idea is to get in the habit of speaking to ourselves like the second example – encouraging, supportive, cheering us on as we navigate being a messy, real human. Learning to be more self-compassionate, means learning to be our own best friend.

3.       Give yourself a self-compassion break: whenever you feel like a stress response is triggered or you feel in overwhelm you can give yourself a break by mentally and emotionally giving yourself a block of time where you (a) don’t think about the difficulty (b) if you do, you will give yourself kindness and validation and (c) engage in some self-soothing activity. For example, you could decide that while you have a shower you will focus on the sensations of the shower and talk kindly to your body as you wash and pay attention to each part. Or while you have a cup of tea become very mindful and present to the sensations of drinking your tea – the aroma, the colour, the warmth of the holding the cup, what you can hear around you….. anything that lets you step out of the stress response for a moment and come into the present!

4.       Loving Tenderness: when you have a few quiet moments, imagine you are cradling something that makes you feel tender, loving and nurturing. For some this might be a kitten or puppy, it might be a baby or even a pregnant belly, it might be a loved doll or item – whatever it is, allow this feeling of love and tenderness to fill you up and once the feeling is strong, mentally (and with your breath) direct this feeling inwards to yourself. Allow your body, mind and heart to soften and receive it. Keep going until you feel filled up. This one is a real favourite with my clients and can be great after a high stress situation or at the end of each day before bed.

These are just a few of the ways we can develop more resilience and kindness within ourselves. These in no way are meant to cure our uncomfortable feelings or remove suffering from our human experience, but they can ensure that we don’t add on more suffering to already difficult or challenging moments. Self-compassion can help us cope with hardship or intense emotions with more ease and connection and navigate our way out with kindness and love. Self-compassion can be the way in which we encourage ourselves as we grow and inevitably make mistakes as human beings, as mothers and fathers, and as members of our community.

If you feel like you could do with some compassion and support, I will be offering counselling sessions at Gould’s Natural Medicine Clinic on Tuesdays 2:15-7.00pm and Wednesdays 9.00- 1.00pm from Tuesday 15th February. You can make an appointment on the clinic booking page or call on (03) 6234 4223 (option 1).