New mothers are desperate to debrief

In a study conducted by an Australian midwives in 2003 found that 90% of first time mothers and 79% of mothers birthing subsequent children wanted the opportunity to discuss their feelings and experiences with a professional. The study determined that presently, a large portion of post natal needs were not able to be adequately met. Women didn’t just want a midwife visit where the health of the baby was checked and breastfeeding technique was discussed. Women were looking for someone to help them make sense and meaning of what was happening to them and how it was transforming every tiny corner of their lives. Often in ways they had not expected and could not have anticipated. These results aren’t just for women who present with postnatal depression or anxiety. This impacted women across the full spectrum of experiences and mental and emotional wellness. On the flip side, women who are at risk of mental, emotional and physical health difficulties can be screened and picked up early when given the opportunity to talk to someone qualified. This means that the family can be supported to access services and professional help in a timely manner - not waiting months and months before deciding something isn’t right.

In the last two decades the body of research is growing internationally demonstrating that when women are given professional support to process, unpack and integrate their experiences of each motherhood transition, the risks of mental health issues and child wellbeing are greatly reduced. In one example (Baxter et al., 2014), successful randomised control trials (the gold standard of clinical research) demonstrated that Listening Visits, or semi-structured debriefing interviews based on Interpersonal Psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioural therapy were significantly more effective than regular post partum support from a nurse or a midwife in improving mental and emotional wellbeing. Australian studies have trained midwives in person centered counselling skills and tracked the progress and feedback of new mothers. It was a resounding success and women with birth trauma were picked up that probably would never have hit anyone’s radar. 

Sometimes there is an assumption that mothers birthing subsequent babies need less support in this transition and integration of motherhood. It could not be further from the case. Subsequent births bring all the unprocessed experiences and challenges from the first transition (especially if she was never supported to process it) and then has the added layer of walking through the Matrescence period with the care and responsibility for meeting the needs of another little person. No matter how many times a woman has become Mother, each transition needs tenderness and compassion to ensure she feels whole and grounded on the other side.

What do women need support with?

Women look to make sense and meaning of themselves as individuals and integrate new information they have gained or lost about themselves in the process of becoming mother. They also want opportunities to review decision making and labour management, validation of their birth experience as well as reflecting on how this transition process has impacted and changed their relationship with their infant, their partner and older children (Gamble & Creedy, 2009). In the months that follow, old wounds, beliefs and thoughts can often resurface as they surrender into the fog and heart-crack-open months of newborn life. Women report feelings of betrayal, powerlessness, grief, loss, self blame, confusion, shame, low self esteem, rejection or grief regarding their bodies, their expectations of close relationships and the community around them. These are all common for mothers after childbirth.

New mothers report that when they feel acknowledged and validated to express their experiences and were supported and guided to integrate them from a strengths based approach, they felt more confident in their new roles and in making future decisions about mothering (Gamble et al., 2004).

Women may struggle with their changed relationship with their bodies, with their identities as mothers and social ‘archetypes’, how they derive a sense of self esteem and value, reconciling their expectations of motherhood with their lived experience, the changes in the balance and dynamics with their partners and spouses, grief and guilt over the change in relationship with their older children….the list goes on.

In amongst all of this change, is an opportunistic Inner Critic or Mean Mum who narrates a rather unhelpful story about what our experience means and how it reflects on us as women. This Inner Critic is joined by warped social archetypes I like to call the Social Shoulds (ie ‘I should be able to manage’, ‘I should be able to get him to self settle’).

The Listening Visit

In a Listening Visit, using a mix of counselling models and helpful strategies, we untangle and reweave your story as New Mother and what this now means for your life and your sense of self. We identify areas where there is difficulty or struggle, grief or trauma and work together to learn how to compassionately cope, mindfully shift and deeply surrender to the process. We may examine thoughts, beliefs, ideas and expectations that are being challenged, resisted, are no longer helpful or have been completely upended. We look to develop competence and confidence in your ability to navigate this exquisite metamorphosis.

We midwife your birth as a Mother, and integrate her back with the Woman. We weave joy into the mire and muck of growth work.

 Women need Listening Visits as much as they need swaddles and nappies. I would even go to say, families and our broader communities need Listening Visits as much as women need them. We expect women to have their whole world turned inside out and upside down, often with very complex and nuanced emotions and experiences thrown into the mix, yet do very little to help her come right again. To find her feet with this new body, this new self, this new role, these new feelings and all we tend to ask is ‘Is he a good feeder?’ and ‘Is he sleeping through yet?’. 

 Mothers groups go a long way to supporting this transition but the tricky part can come up when there are a bunch of women carrying all their own stuff around motherhood and not having had the level of insight and awareness needed to compassionately hold space for another without judgement or expectation. There is an art to being a compassionate mirror and not getting your own reflection caught in it.

As a registered counsellor and trained doula I understand this art and can hold this space.